You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
