i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
