wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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