I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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