the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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