Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
