On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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