Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
