mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
