My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
