i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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