I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
