I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Be still, my beating vagina.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
