1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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