I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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