chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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