I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
