Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
