He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
