dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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