He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
