I want to make a zoo with you.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
