guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
