I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
