life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it's like heaven, but drunker
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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