now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
