omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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