if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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