I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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