thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
