Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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