____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
