This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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