I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
