I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
