Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
