My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
