I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He passed out mid-signature
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
