Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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