Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
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