i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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