First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
