I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
