READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
They have beer where we have blood.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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