stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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