your parents love me but you hate me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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