i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
