my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
