Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
