We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
