I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
