Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
